i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
