Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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