When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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