we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
