Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
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I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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