Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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