my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.