I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I would ride that face into the sunset