I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
