a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
