Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
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He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
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These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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