I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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