she was so not down for the gang bang
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
