Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
