why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
