I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
