sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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