I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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