theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
