You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
