woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
