there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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