I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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