totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
