I feel great
I just peed on a car
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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