if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
