Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's shark week go big or go home
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
