just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
