I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
