ugly people sure do ruin things
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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