k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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