Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
