I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
