Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
