You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i came on her dog
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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