when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
