I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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