The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
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I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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