A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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