college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
