I swear she didn't look like that last week.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
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I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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