Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
