Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
