If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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