I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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