I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
