he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
