the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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