Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
