If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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