I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
