You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
