K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
