saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
