i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
