im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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