guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
