so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
