new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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